Why not Just have guys over for sex?

I’ll get right to it and do the background bit below. Most of my one-on-one sexual experiences have been dissapointing. Maybe I’ve just been unlucky. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe my expectations are too high, or maybe I’m watching too much porn and expecting real life to be like a fantasy. Maybe all of that is true.

What I’ve found more exciting has been ‘sexual experiences’ and ‘sexually charged environments’.

It’s probably all because of how I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home where sex was not talked about but you knew it was something bad. Desire was bad. Sex was bad (unless married and creating babies). Wanting the same sex was super-bad.

Maybe I’m a voyeur at heart or maybe I found I liked the bathhouse and sex party experience amazing because it was so ‘forbidden’. Yes, there is a lot that is gross about bathhouses, and yes, there are a lot of reasons why guys hate them. I think I avoided going because the little voice always told me, ‘everyone thinks this is gross, and you’re gross for liking it’, so I wouldn’t admit how much I really did like it.

So why do I like bathouses?

  1. I had/have issues about being naked with other men and it’s a place where it is liberating to be nude with other nude men, and to be aroused and be around other aroused men with it being not only OK but expected
  2. there are rules of behaviour. You know what is expected.
  3. you know why you are there and why they are there. Sex isn’t expected and you can just watch, but you are there to be surrounded by, if not involved in, sexual activity. You don’t have to guess if the hot guy is gay (or at least bi). If he’s there, he’s looking for sexual contact in some capacity with another dude
  4. it is OK to look. Too much looking and eye contact could be an invitation, but over all, you can look without hiding that you are looking
  5. it’s ok to watch. There are a lot of open spaces where guys are going at it with another guy or in a group. Open areas means anyone can watch what is going on, and maybe join in. But you don’t have to give them privacy or pretend like you aren’t interested in seeing them have sex. It’s live porn!
  6. the barriers between men out in the world are almost non-existent. You don’t have to do a lot of small talk, and you can touch (unless the guy indicates no). You can see a guy you like, walk up to him, touch his body. He might not say no, and then you can touch more and then you can do more. You don’t have to do the song-and-dance around what you want
  7. the whole place is sexually charged, made and designed for spaces to watch and enjoy sex

What do bathhouses have to do with these events?

I want to create safe sexual spaces for sexual experiences that aren’t just having sex

Sex is great, but being in a space where sensuality and sex is all around and permitted in a group setting is something different. One-on-one, you’re in your own bubble. When you are in a group, it feels more like, maybe not a community, but having a whole group validate and welcome your desires is really freeing.

  • I want it to be ok to be aroused and naked and with other men also aroused and naked
  • I want it to be ok to look at another naked guy and to want to be looked at by him
  • I want soft and hard cocks to be ok
  • I want liking to watch porn to be ok
  • I want liking to watch porn with other guys to be ok
  • I want guys to have a comfortable space to express their desire and sexuality with a group of guys
  • I want it to be ok to talk about sex, porn, what we like and all of it without judgement.
I want to create a space where barriers between men are  broken down

  • You can’t just reach out and touch someone’s arm, or put your hand on a thigh of someone sitting next to you because you think they are hot.
  • hookups smash that barrier and then it goes up right after. A friend of mine called it the “hot hello and shy goodbye”. I want a space where you know the purpose is for sensual activity and you know you can express that – while consent is still key, you can communicate with touch first
  • foster physical and emotional closeness by being able to be accepted and welcomed with your desires
  • I want jerking off in front of other guys to be welcomed
  • I want jerking off other guys to be welcomed
  • I want touching and sensual engagement with other guys to be welcomed
Some of my own fantasies aren’t just sex but sexual

I want to touch those guys I remember from the muscle mags and porn that I remember from my youth. I want to take off their clothes. I want to unwrap them like a gift.

I want to jerk off cute twinks. I want to suck off muscle daddies. I want to get pleasure from giving pleasure.

I want to watch other guys explore each other bodies and increase my own arousal. I want to share the sexual experience and energy throughout a whole room of men exploring and experiencing desire and having it be ok to watch or join in.

I want to explore a dark room with just touch to find the room full of hot guys.

I want more than just small talk, a bit of jerking, some sucking and some fucking and goodbye.

I probably want what I want because my introduction to sex was through porn and sex in semi-private places, but it’s what I want.

History stuff

I hated changing at school for gym class & swimming.

I remember the first year we had to change to do gym class. I was terrified and I didn’t know why. I had always been shy, and I’m not sure what things were in my head from growing up that made being naked a thing to be terrified of. I have a picture of me as a very little one dancing naked in the kitchen, so it wasn’t always the case.

I’m guessing puberty. I was attracted to the other guys in my class and I didn’t know what that was or why that was, and it really did feel, I think, how a straight boy in grade 6 would feel having to change in the girls changeroom.

I was terrified I might look at one of the other boys and have them see. I was terrified we might have to use the shower and ALL be naked together in the open shower, and I was terrified I might get hard because of it. I was starting to have a crush on one of my friends who had moved away and then came back after a few years, and I couldn’t help notice how broad his shoulders were, and how he was getting muscles. The pool changeroom was worse because I knew we would HAVE to be naked at some point. The other boys in my class must have worries of some kind – NO ONE showered EVER; just lots of spray deoderant.

I also remember that inside of the fear was a small bit of arousal and desire focusing on the change room and especially the showers. At an event at a large high school I was at with a group, there were sports going on. I’ve never been good at sports so I sat it out (but it was also partially because of the changing aspect). I went in to look at the lockerroom. Ours was just a room with a bench around the outside and a small shower room. This one had rows and rows of lockers and a HUGE open shower. I went into the shower on the way back from going to the bathroom, and just imagined what the room would be like full of the sports guys, naked. I got hard and even a little brave, and pulled out my dick and jerked for a few moments. I had no idea why that turned me on.

The route I took to school took me passed the town outdoor pool. One college guy came back every year to run the pool. He would be on deck cleaning or getting stuff set up when I passed by in the mornings before school was out for summer. He was hot and muscular and wore only a speedo. It was the first non-short bathing suit I had ever seen a guy in. I walked extra specially slow on hot days.

I lived at the pool in the summers, especially when he was guarding on hot days. He would sit on the lifeguard chair, shirtless and in a speedo and hat. I don’t know if he saw how often I stared at the line of his cock in that speedo. I was still terrified of the change rooms, but I started to feel aroused by them as well. I had purchased a few pieces of ‘sexy’ underwear I kept hidden from my mom and I’d purposely go to the change rooms at the pool in the summer and get changed, just to feel naked in an open space. Sometimes, I’d ask another guy coming through to the bathroom or who was also changing what the time was while I was standing in my underwear or jock strap just so they’d have to look at me. After the interaction, I’d hide in the bathroom stall until my erection went away.

I went so far as to get a speedo to swim in, but I was too shy to only wear that out in public, and I knew my mom wasn’t sold on it. The lifeguard was also from a religious household, so I used the ‘but he wears it’ and that seemed to let it past when I bought it.

So what does this have to do with anything?

Locker rooms and public showers were a source of fear and of arousal for me from an early age. When I went to a bathhouse for the first time, it was a revalation – a place where it was ok to feel that. A place where I didn’t have to hide my erection changing or in the shower. A place where I was allowed to look at other naked guys and see that they were sometimes hard too.

Muscle Mags & Underwear

From the time I could get a hardon, I was looking at the Sears catalogue underwear section. Before I knew why, those bulges and underwear lines captivated me. But, we only got one at Christmas. I used to take it into the bathroom with me to jerk off to. A family of a friend of mine had a closet full of old ones – the had kept them all for years – right beside the bathroom. Sometimes, I’d sneak one in there too, but didn’t dare jerk off.

And then I found men’s exercise magazines. They were at the book store, they were at the grocery store, they were at other places around the mall. As soon as I was old enough to be allowed to wander the mall alone, I was going to the magazine stands to look a the men in the exercise magazines. I hadn’t noticed or seen the top shelves in some of these places yet, or they didn’t have one…That’s where my desire for muscles and underwear fetish started.

Until I found porn. My dad liked to go to pawn and junk shops a lot and dragged us kids along. In one of them, there was a whole basement full of old magazines of all sorts. While my dad was looking at who know’s what, I started looking through and found a huge stack of old Playgirls. It was the first time I had seen anything like it. I flipped through page after page SO fast, hoping I wouldn’t get caught. After that, I knew they existed. I started looking for them on the magazine shelves and in the calendar sections. I would get some boring magazine and try and slip a Playgirl into it while the shop employee wasn’t looking. I got caught twice – once by an employee and once by my family. I had seen them coming and slipped the inner magazine behind some others on a lower shelf so it looked like I was reading something else, but my face was a dark shade of red from being so aroused. The shop keeper I didn’t see so well and it mortified me being caught red handed. His convenience store actually had gay porn magazines, so I was totally busted and humilitated.


Of course, this lead to eventually discovering porn videos, back when there were video stores.

I opened a membership when I was 18 at a video store in the town next to ours so that nothing would show up on my parents account. They didn’t even need a credit card, so they let me. And I worked up the courage to go into the back room and rented one straight porn and one gay one. I only did that once while living at home, but as soon as I went to university, that was top of my list.

That’s when I discovered video back rooms. I actually found the gay district in Toronto by accident. I was looking for a store that sold shirts I liked from one of those workout magazines, and also underwear. I stumbled on the gay district because that’s where the shop was – it was a store with some clothing, underwear, fetish gear, gay magazines and toys. I had never seen anything like that before. The first time there, I looked quickly around the shop and then left. I’m sure the shop workers knew exactly what I was about and how terrfied I was with my beet red face.

When I worked up the courage to go back, I found there was a video store next to it and went down the stairs and in. I won’t tell the whole story, as I’m sure I already have somewhere else, but It was a gay porn shop that had video booths in the back. I had no idea what that was about, but I was so horny I went back anyways. It took all my courage to ask for tokens and go there. I saw the booths and guys back there and went in. A guy followed me in and I ended up sucking him off (probably badly too as it was my first time).


Searching out sex

After that encounter, I realized I was gay. You would think that with everything building up before, that it would be obvious but it hit me only late. I had so much shame about it too, and wanting sex. And I was confused and didn’t know anything about anything gay. It wasn’t a word used at home.

I actually went and searched in the library and found a book about gay cruising and learned all about video rooms, bathhouses, park cruising and the like. I learned about bathroom cruising and found one that was out of the way and went to see if that actually happened. It turns out it did, and I ended up getting jerked off. He wanted me to come back to his place, but he was an older guy and I didn’t feel safe doing that.

I did meet some guys through online chat rooms and sites, and sometimes they showed up. Most of the time, they didn’t. I had a couple of great experiences and a lot of bad ones over the years.

Finding the Baths

One guy I chatted with I had mentioned it was a fantasy of mine to try the baths, but the whole experience was too much for me to think about.  Just going in the door was a terrfying task because someone could see me and know I was sex-crazy and gay. He said he used to work at one, and he’d take me. I went on a coffee date with him, and after he said, “Let’s Go.” and I thought it was over. But he was taking me to the baths. I thought he was joking about that. He was my bathhouse mentor and guided me through the whole process and I’ll tell the whole store somewhere else, but parts were amazing and parts weren’t.

I’ve been a few times since then, but wanted to go more. I was afraid that made me a slut or that something was wrong with me for just wanting sex and sexual experiences rather than finding a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted that too, but that pull of the baths was and is still strong and I think I resisted it because I kept telling myself it was gross, and only ‘bad’ people who only want sex and not a relationship do that.

Sex Parties

After being at the baths a few times, I found a website that listed sex parties (again I’ll tell the store somewhere else) and the experience was similar to the baths, where you would watch and touch and do SO much, but without the environment. Honestly, sometimes that wasn’t quite enough but it was close and I still enjoyed it a lot.